Life Postpartum

To all those people who told me that going from two to three kids would be hard, I'm sorry that I didn't take your warnings more seriously.  Dang, it HAS been harder this time around.  To those mamas (and daddies) who have to deal with postpartum depression, colic or c-section recoveries on top of managing three small children... wow.  My hat goes off to you because things have been crazy enough and I don't (thank goodness) have to deal with any of those additional challenges.

The first week was a hormonal roller coaster, but I was expecting that.  I didn't expect my body to feel so wretched though.  I don't know if it's because I'm older, or that this was my third birth in four years, but everything is hurting a lot longer this time around.  I have had a lot of joint pain too, which is totally new.  Some mornings it feels like I have arthritis in my hands because I have to make an effort to bend the knuckles in my hands and the motion is jerky.  I still can't get my wedding ring on.  I'm hoping this will resolve itself as I loose the baby weight.

And speaking of weight, why on earth have I been feeling so self-conscious about my body already?  Good grief, I just gave birth three weeks ago; my stomach is allowed to have a big ol' pooch.  Yet I find myself trying to suck it in (ha ha, good luck on that one) or contemplating what sort of workout I need to start.  With my last two babies, the weight came off fast without any real effort on my part.  This time around I think I'm actually going to have to work at it if I want to have a somewhat flat stomach without love handles again.  But why am I worried about this already?

Breastfeeding continues to try and hack away at my confidence, but I've come to peace with the situation quicker than my other two.  It frustrates me to no end that my body is unable to fully supply my baby with the food he needs (and I have nightmares about being trapped somewhere with him and not being able to feed him because I ran out of formula) but I know that I have done every single thing possible to make breastfeeding happen.  It just isn't meant to be, I guess.

The hardest thing that I've faced with having a third is the feeling that I don't have a right to complain.  I know there are lots of women (including close friends and dear readers of this blog) who can't have children of their own.  Who have gone through the heartache of miscarriage or infertility.  Who will never have the opportunity to be pregnant, experience birth or try to breastfeed.  When I complain about these things, I feel like I should be smacked for my insensitivity.  I would feel so guilty that I was frustrated or sad with my family, because I should be grateful for what I have, right?  One afternoon I was crying on my couch because even after nursing Sam for an hour, he was screaming for food.  I went to get on Facebook to make some sort of pity-me post and the very first thing I saw was a post from a friend telling people to stop whining about their lives.  Needless to say, I didn't post anything and felt guilt wash anew over me that I wasn't enjoying every moment of this precious baby.  I felt isolated that I couldn't ask for help and support from my online network without looking like a pathetic ungrateful whiner.

Another reason why I felt that I didn't have a right to say anything negative is that I brought this upon myself.  We chose to get pregnant every two years.  We chose to continue having children, even when our oldest has Autism.   There was a "you made your bed and now you have to sleep in it" vibe that I knew what I was getting into and therefore shouldn't complain about the trials of having three kids three and under.  Of course no one came out and said this to me, but it kept me from reaching out for more support and sympathy.

Luckily, as the hormones have calmed down most of these feelings have gone away.  I have a very supportive husband and family.  I have good friends in the same boat with small children spaced closely together who understand what it's like.  And I'll come right out and say it that I'm thankful for my iphone and Facebook because I can keep in contact with the outside world while I'm pretty much holed up in my house.  I love that I can put out the FB SOS and get suggestions and support, or simple affirmation that yes indeed, my children are adorable and I shouldn't duct tape them into a closet on our bad days.  And it does make me feel better to get virtual pats on the back and "you poor dear" during those rough times.