525,600 Minutes

Sorry if you sick already of resolutions posts.  The song "Seasons of Love" is popping up on a lot of my Pandora stations lately and somehow it wormed its way into being my theme for the year.  I'm not a resolution person and I've never made them.  I'm fairly fit, decently organized and this stage of my life is primarily devoted to surviving motherhood and hoping that I'm raising my children in a manner that won't turn them into the next Unabomber.

Yet whenever this song comes on (gotta love the Mama Mia station) I find myself thinking back over the last year and what I want to have happen in 2012.

2011 had awesome points and not so good things.  David had knee surgery, Josh got so sick with Mono that he had to be hospitalized, Ben had to have months of physical therapy.  Josh was diagnosed with autism.  David patiently got me through my first "tax season I-feel-like-a-single-mother with a new baby" meltdown.  I had some major challenges to my faith that I still haven't resolved.  On the flip side we got to see a lot of the Yorgesen side of the family, bought a big beautiful house and watched Ben go from a newborn to a big one year old.  We've watched Josh make huge gains in his speech and maturity.

So how do I want to measure 2012?  It would be easy for me to get tied down in the negatives.  David needs knee surgery again.  We're still chasing that elusive CPA license.  Our budget is going to be tighter than ever.  Josh started in the primary program at church and it is very challenging.  I still have lots of questions about my faith, questions of a sort that don't really have answers.  In fact, David and I spent New Year's eve discussing my 'crisis of faith' and what can be done.  Again, I have to stress what I great guy I married.  He didn't even bat an eye about the questions I have.  He has a very zen-like attitude that everything is going to work out all right in the end.  He's a  good match for someone like me, who really wants to know all the details and how things work right now.

I am choosing to measure my year by remembering what made me stronger and happier.  When I heard at Grandpa Yorgesen's funeral his favorite saying that "you're never a failure until you quit trying" I felt the Spirit strongly that this was true.  Josh's diagnosis with ASD made me happy in the sense that we had a plan and the burden had been lifted somewhat from my shoulders.  And on new year's day I received another powerful gift that I hope will be a sign of my spiritual growth for the coming year.  I feel alright sharing this story after I heard that the man involved shared it during a testimony meeting with our whole congregation.  Ironically I was at work, so I didn't get to hear it.  David didn't get to either because he was wrestling Josh in the halls.

On Sunday the 1st one of my friends was in the hospital getting ready to have her baby.  I work on the labor and delivery unit and got a call that they needed stat meds for an emergency c-section.  As I went to the room I saw the husband of my friend sitting in the hall in OR gear and I realized it was my friend needing the emergency c/s.  He told me that the baby wasn't doing well.  He was really shaken up and on the verge of tears.  I asked if he wanted to say a prayer.  He couldn't, so I offered to.  When I started speaking I was choked up because of his worry and fear and my own fear for my friend and her baby.  The words were difficult at first, but then I felt the Spirit of the Lord wash over me.  My words came out crystal clear and I KNEW in my mind that everything was going to be just fine.  In our faith, the men use the power of the priesthood often to give blessings of peace and healing to others.  Even though as a woman I am not ordained with any particular priesthood powers, I told him that everything was going to be just fine with his wife and the baby.  I asked for him and his wife to be blessed with peace and comfort.  I knew that the Lord was using me as his mouthpiece to convey the love and peace this family needed in their moment of fear.  I have rarely felt the power of God that strong.

I find it so ironic that not even 12 hours before, I had been sad and confused about my place with religion.  I can't say that I have the answers I was seeking, but that experience confirmed to me that even as an imperfect, questioning being, the Lord can still, and desires, to use me to help others.  My faith in the Lord and myself has been renewed.

I hope to measure 2012 in more moments where I feel like I am at peace with my faith.  I hope to find more moments where I can be of service to my fellow man.  I wish to become more patient with my family.  The new year has started off well and hopefully I will find a way to keep focusing on all the positive, wonderful and marvelous things that will happen this year.