Not Owning the Grief

A new family joined Josh's school and I got to meet them for the first time yesterday.  It's nice to have another mother my age with multiple kids in the same age range as mine.  The teacher asked me to show the social stories that had been made up for our trip by the program so that the other parents could see an example of the resources available to them.  The other mother (I'll call her E on here, even though that isn't even the first letter of her name) exclaimed that their family too had been invited to a family reunion in Disneyland in June, but that she had decided that it would be impossible for them to go with her son's ASD.  E asked me how in the world I was planning the trip.  I made a quick explanation of watching park YouTube videos, slowly building Josh's tolerance to new places over the past six months and bringing lots of items for him to focus on if he got into sensory overload.

The teacher then chimed in that with four months they probably could get her son ready for Disneyland, but that it all really depended on the parents.  If the parents (especially mom as the primary caregiver) was going to be anxious and fretful, then our sensitive kids will totally pick up on it and it would all go downhill pretty quickly.  After saying this, the teacher looked over at me and she said that I am a parent who doesn't own my child's grief.  That I don't get phased when Josh has a meltdown and I can remain calm.  [side note here, I don't always remain calm.  I have my moments, but I try to never, ever, get upset with Josh in public because it's the quickest way to make a bad situation much, much worse.]

E's eyes actually welled up with tears, she looked over to me and asked how I do it.

I didn't want to make her feel bad, so I started with the explanation that first off, our sons are in different situations.  Her boy is a year younger than Josh and I told her that Josh was a different kid a year ago.  Also, her son has just gotten into the early intervention system, whereas Josh has been working with them since he was 18 months old.  I've had literally two years of therapists coming into my home, teaching me as much or even more than Josh on ways to help.  I've joked many times with Josh's teacher (who was luckily his in-home therapist before we started school) that she was my therapist.  I am a different parent now than I was even a year ago, for the better.

I hope it made her feel better and that she wasn't a lesser parent than I because she felt responsible for her child's emotions.  I think some people have it easier than others when separating themselves from their children.  I've finally figured out that I am a much better parent when I am happy.  (That sounds like such an obvious statement, but it really was something I had to find out.)  That's why I almost never do chores during nap time, even when dishes really need to be washed or laundry folded.  Instead I read a book, watch a movie or, as often the case nowadays, eat yummy snacks that I don't want the kids eating while I read or watch a film.  Those things recharge my batteries.  I won't let the house get to a hazmat level (most days) but the mess doesn't bother me as much because I value my own sanity above clean dishes or socks.

When the boys are up, I am constantly 'on.'  Especially since Josh has become more aggressive with Ben lately, mainly kicking him.  Every request requires teaching eye contact.  We're working on patience and waiting.  I am doing some sort of teaching all day long, so when the boys go down to sleep, I don't really want to work more.  Luckily I married someone who understands this and accepts that at this stage in our lives, we will never have a clean house unless company is coming over.

So while it sort of makes me sound a little heartless, I'm really glad my children's emotions don't affect me as much as they once did.  There's enough to worry about in life without owning my child's grief as well.