The other day I was thinking that I should blog about a goal I was doing really good on: keeping my patience with Josh. In the mornings I had been reading inspiring messages from members of my church about a variety of gospel topics and they were helping me maintain a more spiritual outlook in my home. When Josh would do something like scream in my face, I would literally look up at Heaven and say out loud repeatedly, "Please give me patience." Extreme? Maybe, but it was working. I felt really good about myself as a mother. I thought, "I need to blog about this because so often I post about my problems and not about the solutions or the good things I'm accomplishing with my boys." I thought that we as mothers (or just women in general) focus on our shortcomings much more than our successes, so I should post something about how we should congratulate ourselves when we make a good change in our lives.
But then I blew it.
I got really mad at Josh.
I yelled. I spanked.
It's like there should be a sign in my house like those "Days accident-free: 23" at a workplace, but mine would be "Days without losing temper: 2" on my wall.
I feel like someone should pin big brown letters "BM" on my chest for "Bad Mother" and then make me go out in public with it on for people to scorn me. "BM" is actually very appropriate because I do indeed feel like poo when I loose my temper.
I'm just so mad at myself because I was feeling good about not having lost my patience with Josh for weeks. But then I was trying to get both boys all packed up to leave on a trip to WA and Josh woke up FURIOUS from his nap. Don't ask me why, but it seems like once a week he wakes up like the devil incarnate. His screaming, kicking, hitting and throwing was upsetting Ben so much that he wouldn't eat, and I needed him to eat a good meal before we started the long car trip. Nothing I did worked. After 45 minutes of screaming (and already being half an hour late) I lost it and spanked him and yelled at him.
It did no good. It never does. He isn't a child that responds to a physical punishment. When he was little, someone suggested a flick on the lip when he started to scream, that it worked on their kids to stop the scream in its tracks. That just made Josh more angry. Pretty much the only thing we can do (and this was backed up by his therapist) is to put him in time out, keep putting him back in when he tries to leave it, and ignore the screaming.
This of course makes me look like a really bad mom when we take Josh out, because ignoring his screaming is the only thing I CAN do. Trust me people, if there was some way to make him not scream at church, in the store, at your home, I would do it. But there isn't. He is too strong, and strong-willed. Ignoring him is the only thing I can do and I pray that the time will come soon that he will realize that screaming doesn't get him what he wants.
So do I feel like a lousy mom right now? Do I look back and feel the hot prick of shame? Yes. But am I the only one who sometimes, in the heat of the moment, wishes that she never had children? I am the only one who loses her temper? Not a chance. No one is perfect. I've made mistakes in parenting and I will continue to make mistakes.
The bright side to this tale of woe, is that I still have hope. I'm more patient than I was three months ago, and hopefully three months from now I will be better still. I can ask for forgiveness, from my child and from my God, for those moments of anger. I am still a good mother. I'm not perfect, but no one should expect that of me, including myself.
The best part of all of this is the wonderful nature of children. Even though I yelled at him and spanked him, Josh still thinks I'm the third-best person in the world. (Daddy and Grandma B are one and two.) Today I kissed him and then he looked up at me, puckered his lips and said "Again, Momma?" If that isn't an example of Christ-like love, then I don't know what is. Hopefully someday I will be as quick to forgive and forget as my children.
5 comments:
I think you are a good mom. I wouldn't have the strength to do what you do, so give yoruself a huge pat on the back.
You are such an amazing writer! I have totally been there. Actually just yesterday I lost my temper TERRIBLY with Delson and probably spanked him more times than I should have. He ripped the curtain rod off his wall for the second time this month and left a huge hole in the wall. I was mad. And after I blew up like that I felt like the most terrible mother ever and cried. And later, after Delson's nap, I apologized to him and cried some more and he was so sweet to me, like you said Josh was to you. We aren't perfect and being a full-time mom is SO HARD! But it is worth it, even though some days it doesn't seem like it. Thanks for this post! It was very inspiring and I am glad we can empathize with each other.
Mhana, I think strength in motherhood is just something that comes along with the kids. When you have little kiddlets running amok then you will find that you have it. With all the awesome work you do now, I know you'll be able to handle it.
Kristen, in order to avoid that exact curtain incident, I have a sheet attached by binder clips to the rod in Josh's room. Does it look kind of white trash? Yeah, but at least he can't do damage to the walls.
Oh mama...I hear you! I've been there myself, and almost lost my mind. With Tara lately, it's hitting and pinching. I don't know what happened, but overnight she learned how to do those things, and began thinking it was OKAY!! It's not of course, and time-outs are rampant in our home currently. I'm finding it nearly impossible after say 5 time-outs in a row for the same thing, to not yell at her. And when I do, the overwhelming guilt inevitably sets in. Then I want to cry, and have someone remove my title of mommy and replace it with monster. Ugh...I've been there. Love you lots momma :) Your blogs help me...
If only I were as eloquent as you. I feel that this is a constant battle. Having patience only ever came to me because God inspired me to get a degree in elementary education where I learned about how to control my temper and then had 5 years of practice. And if I didn't succeed, parents had more wrath than I imagined....but not as much as I had for myself. I'm still not perfect, nor do I have MONTHS of not exploding---it's more like a day to day thing. sigh. I wish being a mom was easy sometimes ;) You're wonderful. My kid doesn't wake up screaming---ever! She wakes up with a "Mommy, I missed you!" So, I guess you will have more blessings than I. You ARE doing great ;)
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