Keep repeating it: I will survive.

This morning was one of those "I'm a failure as a mother" times.  I lost my temper with Josh.  There was spanking.  I wanted to yell at him and probably would have if we didn't share walls.  I told him he was a bad kid.  I just don't understand how things can spiral out of control so fast.

It started with Josh spilling a bowl of Cheerios and then ignoring the mess.  I don't know what that the difference is, but sometimes he will hop down from his chair and start picking them all up right away, a behavior I always praise and encourage.  This wasn't one of those times.  When he spilled them I cringed because I knew what was coming.  Josh will NOT pick things up when told to do so.  When it's his idea there isn't a problem, but being told to pick up, oh boy.  I saw the Cheerios go down.  I waited, hoping he would start picking up on his own.  He didn't.  I had to make the choice of ignoring it and picking it up myself, or starting a major battle that I have NEVER won.

I made the choice to ask him to pick up the cereal.  I sat down on the floor next to him.  I modeled the behavior I wanted him to emulate.  I even counted some pieces as I put them in, a trick that can induce him to join in.  He acted as if I didn't exist.

Remaining calm, I made him sit down next to me on the floor.  The TV was turned off, his milk cup was put away and his favorite toy was put up as he kept refusing to pick up.  Then the screaming started.  I ignored it, plugging my ears as I made him sit there.  Then he started slamming his heels onto the floor, crushing many of the Cheerios.  By now, Ben was upset and screaming too.  I kept saying a prayer over and over in my heart to keep my patience.

Next step involved taking Josh's hand in mine and helping him pick up the cereal.  He arched his back, throwing himself backwards on the floor.  I made him sit up again, saying "pick up please" over and over.  Then he kicked me.  I spanked him out of reaction and anger.  Any patience I had been asking for just went out the window.  He took Ben's bowl of Cheerios and threw it across the room.  Ben and I retreated to the bedroom, but Josh followed us, kicking, screaming and hitting.  I couldn't even stay in the bedroom because he lays on the ground outside the door and kicks it as hard as he can, which as a 40lb two year old, damages things.  I can't afford to have the apartment damaged, so I leave sobbing Ben in the play pen and go back out with Josh.  The only thing I can do now is ignore him and wait out the storm.

I did laundry and the dishes while he followed me screaming at the top of his lungs.  He kept saying "All done" and "need a hug" but I had to ignore it because he's just parroting the phrases to try and get me to stop what I'm doing.  Sorry kid, but screaming "all done" and "need a hug" isn't going to get you what you want.  This lasted for an hour, while I felt like a heel because all I wanted to do was to smack the living daylights out of him, or lock him outside on the balcony.

I could tell things were winding down when he started the gasping, shivering little sobs.  The anger was going out of his screams.  I went and sat down in the chair and started playing with my phone.  Josh came over and leaned on my arm.  Then he asked for a hug.  I scooted over and made room, patting the seat beside me.  He hopped up and buried his head on my chest, his little body shaking from the ends of his sobs.  We sat like that for a long time.

When we got up, my chest was covered in snot, but at least we're friends again.  And then I had to pick up a bunch of Cheerios.  Sigh.  I hate myself when I loose my temper and spank him.  It does no good at all, for him or me.  If I had one of those "days temper-free" signs it would have been reset to 0.  Yet life goes on.  There is no quitting when you have kids.  I think the best thing Josh has taught me is that having a family leaves no room for resentment.  Even though Josh makes me so mad sometimes, I just have to get over it and move on.  Luckily that crazy love that came over me when I became a mother allows me to push the anger out of my heart and replaces it with tender feelings that I never knew were possible when that little boy launches himself into my arms after a fight.

I know this battle is going to come up again.  Hopefully next time I can be better and not loose my patience so quickly, because I know I'm not good enough yet to expect that I won't loose it at all.  All I can work is trying to shorten that span of time between angry and loving, remember that this won't last forever and that I am getting better.