the next phase in life

 With all the back to school craziness that's been going around, I've pretty much forgotten about our own 'back to school' changes coming up.  Josh is taking the next step with EC CARES and starting soon he and I (and occasionally Grandma) will start parent/toddler classes twice weekly.  I am lucky enough that I could re-arrange my work schedule to accommodate his classes, though Grandma will end up taking him probably twice a month.  (Again, my mom ROCKS and we are so blessed to live close to family.)

I am a bit apprehensive about this, pretty much because it makes life a bit more complicated with all the running around.  Luckily siblings are welcome to come to the classes and the UO students will help entertain Ben while I focus on Josh.  I'm kind of in mourning already the loss of our leisurely days together.  I've never been a mother who's always taking her kids out, besides to the little park across the street.  Mainly due to the fact that Josh doesn't reliably behave well enough in public to deem the effort worthwhile.  There have been winter days where we don't leave the house for days on end and I am actually OK with that.  I like it when we're all home together with nothing to do, nowhere to be and no schedules to keep.

 That's all coming to an end.  Between the days that I work and the days were we have class, I will only have one or two days to just be with my boys.  It makes me a bit sad.  I also feel apprehension because I know that I am going to have to start stepping up my game with Josh.  Right now we're in the process of having him tested for ASD, autism spectrum disorder, through EC CARES.  It isn't a medical diagnosis, just through the early intervention program to see what direction his services will take.  There are six different tests, observations, interviews and assessments that will give him a CARS-2 rating that will help distinguish between developmental delays and autism.  Quite frankly I have no idea where Josh will fall on the scale.  Some days he seems pretty normal (besides the lag in language skills) and other times it feels like I can go down the autism checklist and mark off a lot of points.  Luckily it isn't up to me, a team of professionals will be assessing him and making the call (which, for the record, I can disagree with and have them erase those findings at any time, should I feel the need to do so.  It isn't a medical diagnosis.)

Of all the difficult parts of this journey, the hardest is trying to explain/justify myself to others.  I can't tell you how many times I've been talking to people about Josh and they'll say "Oh, he looks and acts just like a normal kid" or "my nephew/son/cousin/etc behaved just like that and he turned out just fine."  I know these people mean well and I'm probably just too sensitive about the whole thing, but I feel like they're judging me to be one of those helicopter mothers, or making stuff up so that he can get attention for being "special" or that I'm setting myself up as a martyr with this heavy burden to bear.

The fact is that Josh does have developmental delays.  The state-run early intervention program is free for anyone so the kids have to qualify to be in the program.  They either have to have delays in two areas or a significant delay in a single area.  Josh is in the program, therefore I'm not just projecting my worries onto a perfectly 'normal' child.  You can't just say "he has a problem" and get into the program.  Josh went through a lot of assessments and observations before he got in at 18 months and goes through continuing professional assessments at the beginning of each school year to make sure he still qualifies for the program.

I don't really know why I feel so defensive about this.  I just want people to understand that having Josh tested for ASD isn't a result of my worrywart parenting, or that I'm a helicopter mom.  If he ends up being a spectrum kid then we'll cross that bridge and get the help he needs to be ready for school.  If it he continues as a developmental delay kid then we'll work through that.  The biggest thing is that we love Josh enough to do anything it takes to get him what he needs to be successful in school and life.